{"id":1512,"date":"2026-07-12T15:56:30","date_gmt":"2026-07-12T15:56:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/deflection-in-relationships\/"},"modified":"2026-07-12T17:07:47","modified_gmt":"2026-07-12T17:07:47","slug":"deflection-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/deflection-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Deflection in Relationships: How to Recognize and Address It"},"content":{"rendered":"<style id=\"guyid-editorial-style-v4\" 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h2{max-width:none;white-space:normal}.guyid-author-badges{display:flex;flex-wrap:wrap;gap:8px;margin:14px 0 0;padding:0;list-style:none}.guyid-author-badges li{border:1px solid var(--guyid-border);border-radius:999px;background:var(--guyid-accent-soft);padding:7px 10px;color:var(--guyid-text-primary);font-size:13px;list-style:none}.guyid-table-shell{margin:28px 0;padding:0;overflow:auto}.guyid-comparison-table{width:100%;border-collapse:separate;border-spacing:0;color:var(--guyid-text-secondary);background:var(--guyid-surface);border:1px solid var(--guyid-border-muted);border-radius:var(--guyid-radius);overflow:hidden}.guyid-comparison-table th,.guyid-comparison-table td{border-bottom:1px solid var(--guyid-border-muted);padding:13px 14px;text-align:left;vertical-align:top}.guyid-comparison-table th{color:var(--guyid-text-primary);background:var(--guyid-accent-soft);font-weight:760}.guyid-comparison-table tr:last-child td{border-bottom:0}.entry-content blockquote,.wp-block-post-content blockquote{border-left:3px solid var(--guyid-accent);border-radius:var(--guyid-radius);background:var(--guyid-accent-soft);color:var(--guyid-text-secondary);padding:16px 18px}.entry-content ul li::marker,.entry-content ol li::marker,.wp-block-post-content ul li::marker,.wp-block-post-content ol li::marker{color:var(--guyid-accent)}figure img,.entry-content img{border-radius:var(--guyid-radius)}.wp-block-image figcaption,figure figcaption{color:var(--guyid-text-muted);font-size:14px;line-height:1.45;margin-top:8px}@media(min-width:1024px){.guyid-toc{position:relative}}@media(max-width:720px){.guyid-article-meta{grid-template-columns:1fr}.guyid-article-component{margin:26px 0;padding:18px}.guyid-reader-briefing{padding:0}.guyid-reader-briefing__header{grid-template-columns:1fr;padding:18px}.guyid-reader-briefing__time{min-width:0}.guyid-briefing-grid{grid-template-columns:1fr;padding:14px 18px 18px}.guyid-toc{padding:0}.guyid-toc__summary{padding:18px}.guyid-toc__nav{padding:8px 18px 18px}.guyid-author-card{grid-template-columns:1fr}.guyid-author-card--no-media{grid-template-columns:1fr}.guyid-button{display:block;width:100%;margin:10px 0 0;text-align:center}.guyid-toc__item--h3{padding-left:10px}}<\/style>\n<section class=\"guyid-article-meta\" data-guyid-component=\"ArticleMetadata\" aria-label=\"Article metadata\">\n<article class=\"guyid-meta-card\"><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__label\">Reading Time<\/span><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__value\">14 min read<\/span><\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-meta-card\"><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__label\">Updated<\/span><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__value\">July 12, 2026<\/span><\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-meta-card\"><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__label\">Fact Checked<\/span><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__value\">Editorial review complete<\/span><\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-meta-card\"><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__label\">Reviewed By<\/span><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__value\">Ravishankar Jayasankar<\/span><\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-meta-card\"><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__label\">Research<\/span><span class=\"guyid-meta-card__value\">Dating Safety Research<\/span><\/article>\n<\/section>\n<section class=\"guyid-reader-briefing guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"ReaderBriefing\" aria-labelledby=\"guyid-reader-briefing-title\">\n<div class=\"guyid-reader-briefing__header\">\n<div>\n<p class=\"guyid-component-kicker\">Reader Briefing<\/p>\n<h2 id=\"guyid-reader-briefing-title\" class=\"guyid-reader-briefing__title\">Reader Briefing<\/h2>\n<p class=\"guyid-reader-briefing__lede\">Start here if you need a practical read on deflection in relationships: how to recognize and address it: who should use verification, what signals to check, and what to do before moving from online interest to an in-person plan.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<aside class=\"guyid-reader-briefing__time\" aria-label=\"Reading time\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><circle cx=\"12\" cy=\"12\" r=\"10\"\/><path d=\"M12 6v6l4 2\"\/><\/svg><\/span><strong>14 min read<\/strong><span>3 min overview<\/span><\/aside>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"guyid-briefing-grid\">\n<article class=\"guyid-briefing-panel\" data-guyid-component=\"ReaderAudience\">\n<h3 class=\"guyid-briefing-heading\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M16 21v-2a4 4 0 0 0-4-4H6a4 4 0 0 0-4 4v2\"\/><circle cx=\"9\" cy=\"7\" r=\"4\"\/><path d=\"M22 21v-2a4 4 0 0 0-3-3.87\"\/><path d=\"M16 3.13a4 4 0 0 1 0 7.75\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span>Who this is for<\/span><\/h3>\n<ul class=\"guyid-briefing-list\">\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Readers preparing for a first in-person date.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Anyone checking identity, profile consistency, and trust signals.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">People trying to avoid romance scams, fake profiles, or pressure tactics.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Online daters improving conversations, profiles, or match screening.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-briefing-panel\" data-guyid-component=\"ReaderLearningObjectives\">\n<h3 class=\"guyid-briefing-heading\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 19.5A2.5 2.5 0 0 1 6.5 17H20\"\/><path d=\"M4 4.5A2.5 2.5 0 0 1 6.5 2H20v20H6.5A2.5 2.5 0 0 1 4 19.5z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span>You&#8217;ll learn<\/span><\/h3>\n<ul class=\"guyid-briefing-list\">\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">How to evaluate identity signals without treating any single check as certainty.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Which trust signals matter and how to weigh them together.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">How to spot inconsistencies, pressure, or behavior patterns that deserve caution.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">How to move from online conversation to a safer first meeting.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Where GuyID tools fit into a quick pre-date screening workflow.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">How to compare options using practical safety and trust criteria.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-briefing-panel guyid-briefing-panel--wide\" data-guyid-component=\"ReaderBottomLine\">\n<h3 class=\"guyid-briefing-heading\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M9 18h6\"\/><path d=\"M10 22h4\"\/><path d=\"M12 2a7 7 0 0 0-4 12c.8.7 1 1.6 1 2h6c0-.4.2-1.3 1-2a7 7 0 0 0-4-12z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span>Bottom line<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"guyid-briefing-bottom-line\">Verification reduces uncertainty; it does not guarantee future behavior. Use a layered approach: confirm identity signals, compare profile consistency, ask for a short video call, keep early plans public, and slow down when someone pressures you to skip normal safety steps.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-briefing-panel guyid-briefing-panel--wide\" data-guyid-component=\"ReaderTakeaways\">\n<h3 class=\"guyid-briefing-heading\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-icon\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span>Key takeaways<\/span><\/h3>\n<ul class=\"guyid-briefing-list\">\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Identity verification improves confidence, not certainty.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Patterns matter more than isolated incidents.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Verify before meeting privately or sharing sensitive details.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">A short video call can reveal many inconsistencies.<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-briefing-item\"><span class=\"guyid-briefing-check\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M20 6 9 17l-5-5\"\/><\/svg><\/span><span class=\"guyid-briefing-copy\">Pressure to skip reasonable safety steps is useful information.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<nav class=\"guyid-knowledge-nav guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"KnowledgeNavigation\" aria-label=\"Knowledge navigation\"><span class=\"guyid-knowledge-chip\">Topic path: Dating \/ Relationships<\/span><span class=\"guyid-knowledge-chip\">Related concepts: deflection in relationships, deflection tactics, accountability in relationships, communication patterns, DARVO<\/span><\/nav>\n<section class=\"guyid-tools guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"RelatedTools\" aria-label=\"Free Tools\">\n<h2>Free Tools<\/h2>\n<div class=\"guyid-card-grid\">\n<article class=\"guyid-card\">\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/tools\/catfish-probability-detector\/\">Catfish Probability Detector<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Check whether a dating profile has suspicious identity or photo signals.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-card\">\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/tools\/dating-bio-red-flag-detector\/\">Dating Bio Red Flag Detector<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Review a bio for scam, pressure, or trust-warning language.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-card\">\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/tools\/\">Dating Safety Checklist<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Use free GuyID tools before moving from chat to a real date.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<section class=\"guyid-cta guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"ArticleCTA\" aria-label=\"GuyID call to action\">\n<p class=\"guyid-component-kicker\">Next step<\/p>\n<h2>Create your GuyID trust profile<\/h2>\n<p>Share consent-based trust signals before a date without turning the conversation into an interrogation.<\/p>\n<p><a class=\"guyid-button\" href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/signup\">Create GuyID<\/a> <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/tools\/\">Browse free tools<\/a><\/p>\n<\/section>\n<details class=\"guyid-toc guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"TableOfContents\" open>\n<summary class=\"guyid-toc__summary\"><span><span class=\"guyid-toc__eyebrow\">Navigate<\/span><span class=\"guyid-toc__title\">Table of Contents<\/span><\/span><span class=\"guyid-toc__count\">18 sections<\/span><\/summary>\n<nav class=\"guyid-toc__nav\" aria-label=\"Table of contents\">\n<ol class=\"guyid-toc__list\">\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h2\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#what-deflection-in-relationships-actually-looks-like\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>What Deflection in Relationships Actually Looks Like<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h2\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#the-7-most-common-deflection-tactics-in-relationships\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>The 7 Most Common Deflection Tactics in Relationships<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#1-whataboutism\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>1. Whataboutism<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#2-emotional-flooding\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>2. Emotional Flooding<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#3-victim-reversal-darvo\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>3. Victim Reversal DARVO<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#4-topic-switching\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>4. Topic Switching<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#5-minimization\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>5. Minimization<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#6-blame-shifting\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>6. Blame Shifting<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#7-the-silent-treatment-as-deflection\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>7. The Silent Treatment as Deflection<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h2\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#why-deflection-in-relationships-is-more-harmful-than-it-seems\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>Why Deflection in Relationships Is More Harmful Than It Seems<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h2\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#deflection-vs-healthy-disagreement-how-to-tell-the-difference\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>Deflection vs. Healthy Disagreement: How to Tell the Difference<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h2\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#how-to-address-deflection-in-relationships-without-being-deflected\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>How to Address Deflection in Relationships Without Being Deflected<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h2\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#how-guyid-helps\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>How GuyID Helps<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h2\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#frequently-asked-questions\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>Frequently Asked Questions<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#what-is-deflection-in-relationships\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>What is deflection in relationships?<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#how-do-i-know-if-my-partner-is-deflecting\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>How do I know if my partner is deflecting?<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#can-deflection-in-relationships-be-fixed\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>Can deflection in relationships be fixed?<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"guyid-toc__item guyid-toc__item--h3\"><a class=\"guyid-toc__link\" href=\"#is-deflection-a-form-of-emotional-abuse\"><span class=\"guyid-toc__marker\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><span>Is deflection a form of emotional abuse?<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/nav>\n<\/details>\n<p><strong>You raise a legitimate concern. They respond by turning it into your problem.<\/strong> Deflection in relationships is the communication pattern where one partner consistently redirects accountability away from their own behavior and toward their partner&#39;s \u2014 transforming every conversation about THEIR actions into a conversation about YOUR reactions, YOUR sensitivity, or YOUR equivalent (or imagined) faults. It&#39;s the conversational sleight of hand that ensures the person who needs to be accountable never actually IS accountable, because the conversation always ends somewhere other than where it started. This guide explains how deflection in relationships works, why it&#39;s more damaging than it appears, the specific tactics deflectors use, and how to address the pattern without being deflected in the process.<\/p>\n<p><strong>In This Guide:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"#what-is\">What Deflection in Relationships Looks Like<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"#tactics\">The 7 Most Common Deflection Tactics<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"#damage\">Why Deflection Is More Harmful Than It Seems<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"#vs-healthy\">Deflection vs. Healthy Disagreement<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"#addressing\">How to Address Deflection Without Being Deflected<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"#faq\">Frequently Asked Questions<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2 id=\"what-deflection-in-relationships-actually-looks-like\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#what-deflection-in-relationships-actually-looks-like\">What Deflection in Relationships Actually Looks Like<\/a><\/h2>\n<p>Deflection in relationships can follow a recognizable conversational pattern: you raise a concern, your partner redirects the conversation, and you end up defending yourself instead of discussing the original issue. When this happens repeatedly, the concern remains unresolved and productive conversation becomes harder.<\/p>\n<p>Here&#39;s what deflection in relationships sounds like in practice:<\/p>\n<p><strong>You:<\/strong> &quot;I felt hurt when you cancelled our plans last minute without much explanation.&quot;<br \/>\n What about the time YOU cancelled on me three weeks ago?&quot;<\/p>\n<p>In three sentences, the conversation has shifted from their behavior (cancelling without explanation) to your character (being &quot;too sensitive&quot;) and your past behavior (a cancellation from weeks ago). The original concern \u2014 their lack of communication about cancelled plans \u2014 is now buried under two new topics that put YOU on the defensive rather than them. By the time you&#39;ve defended your sensitivity and explained your previous cancellation, the conversation has strayed so far from the starting point that returning to the original concern feels like reopening a closed discussion rather than finishing an unresolved one.<\/p>\n<p>Research from the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/\">National Library of Medicine<\/a> on communication patterns in distressed relationships identifies deflection as a core component of what Gottman calls &quot;defensiveness&quot; \u2014 one of the Four Horsemen of relationship communication that predicts relationship dissolution with over 90% accuracy when present as a consistent pattern. Occasional deflection during moments of stress is human; consistent deflection in relationships as the DEFAULT response to accountability is a structural communication failure that erodes trust, prevents conflict resolution, and gradually teaches the non-deflecting partner that raising concerns is futile \u2014 which produces the silence, resentment, and eventual disengagement that deflective partners often misinterpret as &quot;everything was fine until you suddenly wanted to leave.&quot;<\/p>\n<h2 id=\"the-7-most-common-deflection-tactics-in-relationships\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#the-7-most-common-deflection-tactics-in-relationships\">The 7 Most Common Deflection Tactics in Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n<p><img height=\"800\" width=\"1200\" decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/figure-1-195.webp\" alt=\"Deflection in relationships \u2014 seven common tactics displayed as conversational redirect patterns showing whataboutism emotional flooding victim reversal topic switching minimization blame shifting and silent treatment\"><\/p>\n<h3 id=\"1-whataboutism\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#1-whataboutism\">1. Whataboutism<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>&quot;What about when YOU did [similar or unrelated thing]?&quot; The most recognizable deflection tactic: responding to accountability by pointing to the other person&#39;s imperfection rather than addressing their own.  The purpose isn&#39;t to resolve either issue; it&#39;s to establish that BOTH people are flawed, therefore neither should be held accountable \u2014 a logical fallacy that sounds fair but produces a relationship where no one is ever responsible for anything. Our <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/emotional-manipulation-tactics\">emotional manipulation guide<\/a> covers whataboutism as a deliberate control tactic versus its use as an unconscious defensive habit \u2014 because the distinction affects the intervention.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"2-emotional-flooding\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#2-emotional-flooding\">2. Emotional Flooding<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Responding to your concern with an emotional reaction so intense that comforting THEM becomes the priority rather than addressing your original issue. You say &quot;I need us to talk about how you spoke to me at dinner.&quot; They start crying, expressing overwhelming guilt, or spiraling into self-criticism so severe that your nurturing instinct overrides your accountability request. After you&#39;ve spent 30 minutes reassuring them that they&#39;re not a terrible person, the original concern \u2014 how they spoke to you \u2014 has been effectively neutralized without ever being addressed. This deflection in relationships pattern is particularly effective because it&#39;s often unconscious: the person genuinely FEELS overwhelmed, but the overwhelm consistently functions to prevent accountability regardless of whether it&#39;s strategically deployed or authentically experienced.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"3-victim-reversal-darvo\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#3-victim-reversal-darvo\">3. Victim Reversal (DARVO)<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Deny the behavior. Attack the person raising the concern. Reverse Victim and Offender. &quot;I can&#39;t believe you&#39;re accusing me of being hurtful \u2014 do you know how hurtful it is to be accused of something like that?&quot; The person who caused harm repositions themselves as the person experiencing harm \u2014 and the conversation shifts from their accountability to YOUR cruelty in suggesting they were accountable. Victim reversal is among the most disorienting deflection tactics because it genuinely makes you question whether raising a concern was itself the harmful act \u2014 which is the <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/gaslighting-in-relationships\">gaslighting<\/a> dimension of deflection in relationships: not just redirecting the conversation but rewriting your perception of who harmed whom.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"4-topic-switching\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#4-topic-switching\">4. Topic Switching<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>&quot;I hear what you&#39;re saying, but can we talk about something more important? I&#39;ve been meaning to discuss [completely different topic].&quot; The concern is acknowledged just enough to seem heard \u2014 then immediately replaced with a different topic that the deflector finds less threatening. Over time, the non-deflecting partner learns that certain topics are effectively undiscussable because every attempt to address them gets rerouted to safer conversational territory. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/what-does-stonewalling-mean\">stonewalling guide<\/a> covers the related pattern where the deflector shuts down entirely rather than redirecting \u2014 both produce the same outcome (the concern is never addressed) through different mechanisms.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"5-minimization\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#5-minimization\">5. Minimization<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>&quot;You&#39;re making a big deal out of nothing.&quot; &quot;It&#39;s not that serious.&quot; &quot;You&#39;re overreacting.&quot; Minimization deflects by redefining the SEVERITY of the concern rather than the direction of the conversation \u2014 convincing you that the issue isn&#39;t worth discussing because your emotional response is disproportionate to the actual event. Over time, consistent minimization teaches you to doubt the legitimacy of your own emotional responses \u2014 which is how deflection in relationships gradually erodes the self-trust that effective communication requires. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/emotional-abuse-relationship-symptoms\">emotional abuse symptoms guide<\/a> identifies chronic self-doubt about the legitimacy of your feelings as one of the most significant indicators of sustained minimization-based deflection.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"6-blame-shifting\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#6-blame-shifting\">6. Blame Shifting<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>&quot;I wouldn&#39;t have done that if you hadn&#39;t&#8230;&quot; Every harmful action is attributed to something the OTHER person did that &quot;caused&quot; it \u2014 making the non-deflecting partner responsible for both their own behavior AND the deflector&#39;s behavior. Blame shifting eliminates personal responsibility entirely: the deflector never needs to change because their behavior is always someone else&#39;s fault. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/narcissistic-abuse-signs\">narcissistic abuse signs guide<\/a> identifies blame shifting as a hallmark of narcissistic relationship patterns \u2014 because the inability to accept accountability for one&#39;s own behavior is a defining characteristic of narcissistic personality functioning.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"7-the-silent-treatment-as-deflection\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#7-the-silent-treatment-as-deflection\">7. The Silent Treatment as Deflection<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Refusing to engage with the concern at all \u2014 withdrawing into silence, leaving the room, or going days without speaking until the non-deflecting partner either drops the issue or apologizes for raising it. The silent treatment weaponizes your need for connection: the implicit message is &quot;raise concerns and lose access to me&quot; \u2014 which eventually trains you to suppress concerns rather than risk the disconnection that expressing them produces. This form of deflection in relationships is particularly damaging because it creates a <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/trauma-bonding-signs\">trauma bond<\/a> dynamic where the relief of reconnection after the silent treatment produces a neurochemical reward that&#39;s stronger than what consistent communication provides \u2014 making the harmful pattern addictive rather than just frustrating.<\/p>\n<h2 id=\"why-deflection-in-relationships-is-more-harmful-than-it-seems\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#why-deflection-in-relationships-is-more-harmful-than-it-seems\">Why Deflection in Relationships Is More Harmful Than It Seems<\/a><\/h2>\n<p><strong>It prevents conflict resolution entirely.<\/strong> Healthy relationships don&#39;t avoid conflict \u2014 they resolve it through communication that addresses both people&#39;s concerns productively. Deflection in relationships makes resolution impossible because the concern that initiated the conversation is never reached, let alone resolved. Issues accumulate unaddressed beneath a surface of apparent peace, resentment builds in the silence where honest conversation should live, and the relationship gradually deteriorates from the inside while maintaining an exterior that looks functional to everyone observing it \u2014 including, often, the deflecting partner who genuinely believes things are &quot;fine&quot; because they&#39;ve never had to sit with the discomfort of accountability. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/green-flags-in-a-relationship\">green flags guide<\/a> identifies productive conflict resolution as one of the most important indicators of relationship health \u2014 and deflection is the specific mechanism that prevents it from ever occurring, making it the single most relationship-damaging communication pattern that most couples never identify by name even as they experience its effects daily.<\/p>\n<p><strong>It teaches you that your concerns don&#39;t matter.<\/strong> After enough deflected conversations, you stop raising concerns \u2014 not because they&#39;ve been resolved but because the experience of raising them is consistently worse than the experience of silently absorbing them. This learned silence is exactly what deflection in relationships produces at scale: a partner who has been trained through repeated failed attempts that speaking up leads to confusion, self-doubt, and additional conflict rather than understanding and change. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationship\">boundary-setting guide<\/a> addresses this learned helplessness directly \u2014 because the ability to raise concerns despite previous deflection is the <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationship\">boundary<\/a> that deflection-trained partners most urgently need to rebuild.<\/p>\n<p><strong>It erodes your self-trust.<\/strong> When every concern you raise gets minimized, reversed, or redirected, you begin doubting whether your concerns are legitimate at all. &quot;Maybe I AM too sensitive.&quot; &quot;Maybe it IS my fault.&quot; &quot;Maybe I AM making a big deal out of nothing.&quot; This self-doubt doesn&#39;t stay contained within the relationship \u2014 it spreads to your friendships, your professional life, and your general capacity for self-advocacy. The <a href=\"https:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/\">National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/a> identifies the erosion of self-trust through persistent deflection as a form of emotional harm that frequently accompanies other abuse patterns \u2014 because a person who doesn&#39;t trust their own perceptions can&#39;t effectively identify or resist mistreatment.<\/p>\n<h2 id=\"deflection-vs-healthy-disagreement-how-to-tell-the-difference\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#deflection-vs-healthy-disagreement-how-to-tell-the-difference\">Deflection vs. Healthy Disagreement: How to Tell the Difference<\/a><\/h2>\n<div class=\"guyid-table-shell guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"ComparisonTable\">\n<table class=\"guyid-comparison-table\">\n<thead>\n<tr>\n<th>Deflection<\/th>\n<th>Healthy Disagreement<\/th>\n<\/tr>\n<\/thead>\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td>The original concern is abandoned<\/td>\n<td>The original concern is addressed, even if disagreement exists about it<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td>The conversation shifts to YOUR faults<\/td>\n<td>Both people&#39;s perspectives are explored without redirecting blame<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td>You end up apologizing for raising the concern<\/td>\n<td>Both people take accountability for their respective contributions<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td>You feel confused about how the conversation went wrong<\/td>\n<td>You feel heard even if the outcome isn&#39;t what you wanted<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td>The pattern repeats identically across different topics<\/td>\n<td>Different topics produce different conversational dynamics<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td>Concerns are effectively undiscussable<\/td>\n<td>Difficult topics can be navigated even when uncomfortable<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/div>\n<p>The single clearest diagnostic: after the conversation, has the original concern been addressed \u2014 even partially, even imperfectly, even through compromise rather than resolution? If yes: healthy disagreement, even if it was uncomfortable. If no \u2014 if the conversation that started with YOUR concern ended with you apologizing, defending yourself, or simply dropping the issue \u2014 deflection in relationships is the operating pattern regardless of how reasonable each individual redirect seemed in the moment. Track this across multiple conversations: if the same pattern repeats (your concerns raised \u2192 conversation redirected \u2192 original concern abandoned \u2192 you apologize or give up) across different topics and different emotional contexts, the pattern is structural rather than situational \u2014 and addressing it requires the specific strategies below rather than simply &quot;communicating better,&quot; which is the advice deflection-trained partners receive most often and which fails most consistently because it assumes both people want the communication to succeed when deflection specifically prevents one person&#39;s concerns from reaching the conversation at all.<\/p>\n<h2 id=\"how-to-address-deflection-in-relationships-without-being-deflected\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#how-to-address-deflection-in-relationships-without-being-deflected\">How to Address Deflection in Relationships Without Being Deflected<\/a><\/h2>\n<p><strong>Name the pattern in real time.<\/strong> &quot;I notice that when I raise a concern about [X], the conversation shifts to [Y]. I want to come back to the original topic.&quot; Naming the deflection as it happens prevents the redirect from completing \u2014 because the deflector&#39;s power depends on the redirect going unnoticed. When you identify it explicitly, the conversational trick loses its invisibility and the deflector must either return to the original topic or openly refuse \u2014 which is itself useful data about whether the deflection is habitual (addressable through awareness) or strategic (indicative of deeper dysfunction).<\/p>\n<p><strong>Use the broken record technique.<\/strong> Return to your original statement calmly and consistently: &quot;I hear your concern about [their redirect], and I&#39;m willing to discuss it after we&#39;ve addressed what I originally raised.&quot; Repeat as needed. The broken record technique works because deflection relies on MOMENTUM \u2014 each redirect adds distance from the original topic until returning feels impossible. By returning to the same starting point after every redirect, you prevent the momentum from building and the original concern from being buried. This requires patience and emotional regulation, especially when the deflector escalates their redirects in response to your persistence.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Set a process boundary.<\/strong> &quot;When I raise a concern, I need us to address it before we move to other topics. If you have a separate concern about my behavior, I&#39;m genuinely willing to discuss it \u2014 but AFTER we&#39;ve addressed what I brought up first.&quot; This process boundary doesn&#39;t tell the deflector they can&#39;t raise their own concerns \u2014 it establishes a conversational order that prevents the deflection pattern from operating. A partner who accepts this process is demonstrating the <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/green-flags-in-dating\">green flags<\/a> of fair communication; a partner who can&#39;t tolerate sequential conversation (where they address YOUR concern before introducing their own) is demonstrating a structural inability to be accountable that process alone can&#39;t fix.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Evaluate whether it&#39;s habit or character.<\/strong> Some people deflect because they never learned how to receive feedback without becoming defensive \u2014 a skill deficit that therapy and self-awareness can address. Others deflect because accountability fundamentally threatens their self-concept \u2014 a character pattern that resists change because the deflection serves a protective function the person isn&#39;t willing to relinquish. The distinction: habitual deflectors RECOGNIZE the pattern when you name it and express genuine willingness to work on it; character-based deflectors DENY the pattern exists, blame you for perceiving it, or intensify the deflection when it&#39;s identified. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/narcissistic-abuse-signs\">narcissistic abuse signs guide<\/a> covers character-based deflection in its most entrenched form \u2014 where the pattern isn&#39;t a communication failure but a personality structure that communication alone cannot penetrate.<\/p>\n<p><strong>For new connections:<\/strong> Deflection in relationships rarely begins at full intensity \u2014 it develops as the deflector tests whether you&#39;ll accept redirected accountability or insist on direct conversation. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/early-signs-of-a-toxic-relationship\">early toxicity signs guide<\/a> helps you identify the first instances of deflection before they establish the pattern that this guide addresses. Watch how a new partner handles your FIRST significant concern: do they listen, reflect, and respond to what you&#39;ve actually said? Or does the conversation shift to your flaws, your sensitivity, or their feelings about being challenged? That first response predicts the communication pattern for the entire relationship \u2014 and it&#39;s visible early enough to act on before attachment makes the pattern harder to leave. Verify identity through <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/tools\">GuyID&#39;s free screening tools<\/a> and share your <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/date-mode-link-how-it-works\">Date Mode link<\/a> through <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\">GuyID<\/a> \u2014 because connections built on verified trust and transparent communication are the ones where deflection patterns are least likely to develop and most likely to be addressed productively if they do.<\/p>\n<p><img height=\"800\" width=\"1200\" decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/figure-2-195.webp\" alt=\"Deflection in relationships \u2014 four addressing strategies showing name the pattern in real time use the broken record technique set a process boundary and evaluate whether the deflection is habit or character\"><\/p>\n<h2 id=\"how-guyid-helps\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#how-guyid-helps\">How GuyID Helps<\/a><\/h2>\n<p>GuyID should appear when it is useful, not as a banner ad. A <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\">GuyID Trust Profile<\/a> gives someone a portable way to share trust signals before a date, while <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\">identity verification<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\">social vouching<\/a> help turn vague profile claims into clearer next steps.<\/p>\n<p>Useful next steps:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Create a GuyID Trust Profile when you want a cleaner way to share verified trust signals.<\/li>\n<li>Use GuyID free tools and related guides when you need a checklist before meeting someone.<\/li>\n<li>Treat identity verification as confidence-building, not a guarantee.<\/li>\n<li>Use social vouching when you want context from people who already know the person.<\/li>\n<li>Sign up only when the extra trust layer helps the decision you are already trying to make.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2 id=\"frequently-asked-questions\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#frequently-asked-questions\">Frequently Asked Questions<\/a><\/h2>\n<h3 id=\"what-is-deflection-in-relationships\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#what-is-deflection-in-relationships\">What is deflection in relationships?<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Deflection in relationships is the communication pattern where one partner consistently redirects accountability away from their own behavior and toward their partner&#39;s \u2014 using tactics like whataboutism, victim reversal, minimization, blame shifting, topic switching, emotional flooding, or the silent treatment. The result: the person who raised the concern ends up defending themselves instead of receiving the accountability the original concern warranted, and the original issue is never addressed.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"how-do-i-know-if-my-partner-is-deflecting\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#how-do-i-know-if-my-partner-is-deflecting\">How do I know if my partner is deflecting?<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>The clearest indicator: after a conversation you initiated about THEIR behavior, you end up apologizing, defending yourself, or the original topic was never addressed. If this pattern repeats across different topics \u2014 where raising ANY concern consistently produces a conversation about YOUR faults rather than the behavior you raised \u2014 deflection is the operating communication pattern. Track whether your concerns are ever actually resolved or whether they simply get buried under redirects until you stop raising them.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"can-deflection-in-relationships-be-fixed\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#can-deflection-in-relationships-be-fixed\">Can deflection in relationships be fixed?<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Habitual deflection (a learned defensive response) can often be improved through awareness, communication skills training, and therapy \u2014 especially when the deflecting partner RECOGNIZES the pattern and genuinely wants to change it. Character-based deflection (where accountability fundamentally threatens the person&#39;s self-concept) is much harder to address because the person doesn&#39;t see the pattern as a problem \u2014 they see YOUR concerns as the problem. The distinction between these two types determines whether couples therapy, individual therapy, or relationship restructuring is the appropriate intervention.<\/p>\n<h3 id=\"is-deflection-a-form-of-emotional-abuse\"><a class=\"guyid-heading-link\" href=\"#is-deflection-a-form-of-emotional-abuse\">Is deflection a form of emotional abuse?<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Deflection exists on a spectrum. Occasional deflection during stressful moments is a normal human defensive response. Consistent deflection as the default accountability response \u2014 particularly when combined with <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/gaslighting-in-relationships\">gaslighting<\/a>, minimization, and victim reversal \u2014 constitutes emotional abuse because it systematically prevents the target from having their concerns addressed, erodes their self-trust, and teaches them that speaking up is punished rather than welcomed. The <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/relationship-red-flags-worksheet\">relationship red flags worksheet<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/emotionally-abusive-test\">emotionally abusive test<\/a> help evaluate where a specific relationship&#39;s deflection pattern falls on this spectrum.<\/p>\n<hr>\n<section class=\"guyid-related-guides guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"RelatedArticles\" aria-label=\"Related Guides\">\n<h2>Related Guides<\/h2>\n<div class=\"guyid-card-grid\">\n<article class=\"guyid-card\">\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/deflection-in-relationship-how-to-recognize-and-respond\/\">Deflection in Relationship: How to Recognize and Respond<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Learn how deflection in a relationship redirects accountability, recognize seven common patterns, and respond with clear communication boundaries.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-card\">\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/anxious-attachment-style-dating\/\">Anxious Attachment &amp; Dating: A Guide (2026)<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Navigate anxious attachment style dating with stage-by-stage strategies \u2014 from app swiping through early dating, exclusivity, and choosing the right partner.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-card\">\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/anxious-attachment-style-in-friendships\/\">Anxious Attachment in Friendships: 8 Signs (2026)<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Anxious attachment style in friendships causes the same hypervigilance as in dating. Recognize 8 signs, understand why it happens, and build secure friendships.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<article class=\"guyid-card\">\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/anxious-attachment-style-symptoms\/\">Anxious Attachment Style Symptoms: 14 Signs (2026)<\/a><\/h3>\n<p>Recognize 14 anxious attachment style symptoms \u2014 from constant phone-checking to losing yourself in relationships. Science-backed origins, dating impact, and healing strategies.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<section class=\"guyid-author-card guyid-article-component\" data-guyid-component=\"AuthorCard\" aria-label=\"Author information\">\n<div class=\"guyid-author-card__media\"><img src=\"https:\/\/guyid.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/ravishankar-jayasankar.webp\" alt=\"Ravishankar Jayasankar, founder of GuyID\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"><\/div>\n<div>\n<p class=\"guyid-component-kicker\">Founder review<\/p>\n<h2>About Ravishankar Jayasankar<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Founder, GuyID<\/strong> &middot; Dating Safety Researcher &middot; 13+ Years in Data Analytics<\/p>\n<p>Ravishankar leads GuyID&#8217;s research on consent-based trust signals, identity verification, and safer online dating decisions. His work focuses on turning complex safety signals into practical, respectful tools people can use before meeting someone new.<\/p>\n<p>This article was reviewed for accuracy, usefulness, responsible safety framing, and alignment with GuyID&#8217;s mission to help people make better trust decisions. 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